The things you find during early morning exercise along the beach...
It really was necessary to escape from Chiangmai this year by early March. The rice-paddy burn-off seems to begin earlier each year now, in spite of existing laws against it. Cops turn a blind eye when a farmer slips them a bottle of whisky...
When we bought the Chiangmai apartment we knew we would have to budget for an annual evacuation during the Smoky Season. But what the hell, we figured we'd "make lemonade out of lemons" by taking the opportunity to travel. A bonus was that it would get us out of Chiangmai during the lunatic Songkran water-throwing festival. This year the preferred destination was Hua Hin (pronounced Hwah Heen, with a rising swoop of pitch on each word). It's 3 hours by car south of Bangkok on the western side of the Gulf of Thailand... on the opposite side to Pattaya, thank Buddha). It has to be the most singularly unlovely stretch of road in all of Thailand, but the destination's worth it. We've been to Huahin before, but so what, it's a pleasant spot with a fine (mostly clean) beach.
Promptly signed on the dotted line for 2 months at a comfotable beachside condo close-ish to the town centre... cheaper than a hotel, even on long-term rates. Early each morning we take a stroll along a winding, flower-strewn path under tropical trees down to the poolside and beach, then walk a couple of kilometres and back before the sun kicks in. Speaking of which, Marie has quickly transformed into an exotic species of Nut-Brown Maiden... well, more like a shade of dark-roasted mocha ... On the other hand I just burn to a crisp and peel in the space of a minute. The upside? I get to take the lead in Huahin's hat fashion stakes... ........ PS: Note to Chiangmai residents - that weird blue colour behind us is called "sky".
Looking south along Huahin beach towards Ao Takiab. Marie samples the evening sea-breeze:
Local gnomes in pointy witches hats scour the beaches, pretending to be ethnic hilltribes selling fake Ray Bans, wooden frogs [yes, those], and over-priced tan-promoting creams to unsuspecting tourist newbies. Before going on the beach, however, Thai people usually slather themselves with dollops of 'whitening cream' in order to prevent tanning. They wouldn't like to look like [gasp!] Burmese, or worse, Indians [horrors!]. Oh, the irony of it all...
Monky business on the sands in the early morning... Merit-making is where you find it:
And so is beer...
...and stuff written in Thai script (I've no idea what it says):
Walking, of course, needs to be punctuated by regular dips. The water is a couple of degrees cooler than body temperature... suits moi just fine. Marie too:
Hua Hin has long been a magnet for older European tourists, especially from Scandinavia, Denmark und Norway, plus a smattering of Germans and Finns. The hinterland behind Hua Hin is dotted with walled Nordic housing communities (in Thai: moo-baan) which look to me like Euro-ghettos of the future, almost entirely insulated from local Thai culture. They even have their own shops with some prices in euros, and Scamdinavian [sic] real estate agents control the local market.
It all begs the Question: Why do they want to live here? Answer: the beer is cheaper than in Oslo...
I can't imagine what the locals think of hikers bustling along with ski-poles. I can't work it out either, actually... Hey guys, this ain't snow!
...and local tailor shops put up useful posters in their windows such as "Achtung Herren und Damen. Ve spracken dee Doysh" etc. Yeah sure, like, a lined tweed overcoat is an ideal beach-wear item. They must sell a few to itinerant Vikings and Eskimos, though:
There's sometimes a palpable sense of distance, almost resentment, between the cultures here, unlike Chiangmai which is on the whole more liberal, 'boho', and inclusive. Take this sign, for instance, outside a shop in Huahin:
Hmm. Anyway, not for no reason do the local motorcycle taxi-drivers humorously sport personalized jackets marked HUN HIN:
In fact, Hua Hin's a generally laid-back spot for any self-respecting taxi driver. This one outside our apartment building figured we never ask him for a ride, so gee wiz why not have a quick nap? Daylight hours are apparently the best time, and he just happened to have his hammock that day:
Huahin is a fishing village which is morphing into a tourist destination. In front of new holiday apartments, an ageing fisherman scrapes down his beached boat in preparation for re-painting. He probably reasoned that now is a good time because he can't sell any fish to Bangkok anyway, due to the Redshirts' blockade...
The jetties in town are also falling into disrepair: some of the old squid-drying racks along the foreshore have lately been reinforced (a little!) and converted into rickety hole-in-the-wall guest-houses which sway gently with the waves at high tide. Behind them all looms the Future in the form of the Hilton...
This picture was taken from the one remaining functioning jetty...
...which also plays host to a Thai Navy gunboat, apparently with no guard on board. The King has his summer palace at Hua Hin, so there is a flotilla of Navy craft positioned along the local coastline like protective pawns in a chess-game:
The growth of tourism means that some properties along the beach are increasing substantially in value, like this delightful old house, right on the beach:
Nevertheless, in spite of tourism, Hua Hin still supplies a huge amount of seafood to Thailand, and boy is it fresh! When in Huahin, do as the Romans do and eat this morning's catch - it arrives on your plate without having ever been frozen. We treated ourselves to the Sofitel Buffet ($$-ouch!) and were confronted with the following array of crab, lobster, giant prawns and oysters - not to mention the risk of becoming Nutritional Over-Achievers. The crab carapaces were pre-cracked, so the long "thicker-than-your-thumb" skeins of sweet meat slithered co-operatively out, all the while juice dripping off your elbow... Thai foodies sure know what they're doing:
Sublime stuff (sigh). On the other end of the scale, we often ate at local Thai markets etc, as is our habit. The place in the next pic was what we dubbed the Brown Restaurant (Som Moo Joom Restaurant, 51/6 Dechanuchit Rd), a very ordinary unpretentious place mostly in the drab browns of unpainted wood and rusty mesh doors. Cats and dogs wander through. The seafood there is merely excellent, not too far short of the divine offerings at the Sofitel... and super cheap. Nothing in Chiangmai can match this standard:
Staff at the Brown Restaurant know us now and aren't shy to chat in Thai, so we got to sit at one of the three marble-top tables.
What's wrong with this next picture?
Some of the more parochial restaurants occasionally have odd items on their menus. Here are some of them from Huahin...
Savory SeabrassDeep Fried Duck's MouthPork's Neck with LamonglassSea Procuress Spicy Soured SaladSpicy Soured Small AppendixMinced Cattle's Cleaning Cloth Spicy with Parch RiceSaropus Albicans with Red Ant's Egg Spicy Soup
(I will add a couple of the stranger ones to my infamous "List of Asian Menu Items" collected over many years. You'll drool over these offerings. But remember: practise Safe Eating - always use Condiments)
Anyway, continuing the theme of "funny signs around Huahin"..........
This next sign wasn't at Huahin, but I thought I'd sneak it in anyway cuz it's fun:
Hmm... why even bother?
We actually did go to a bookstore (due to a Dire Emergency ie., acute lack of books), but unfortunately the only one worth going to is in Central Bangkok (ie., Redshirt Territory). Kinokuniya Bookshop is in Siam Paragon, one of the shopping malls threatened by Thaksin's mercenary mobocracy thugs. Nevertheless, our literary instincts overcame our common sense and we set out, sharpened bamboo sticks at the ready, wearing blessed amulets, and determined to single-handedly reverse Bangkok's retail downturn.
We soon encountered the Noisy Redneck Foe at a Pratunam intersection. Redshirts have conveniently forgotten about the 2600+ Thai citizens who were summarily gunned down without trial on Thailand's streets on Thaksin's orders during his "War on Drugs" campaign of 2006. Instead, they loudly lament the 26 citizens killed recently during their own protests. Note: that's only 1% of Thaksin's personal tally. QED.
Where's Wally? Judging by the way Marie looks, one of the Redshirts must have just farted... yup, the peasants are revolting. Lean close to the screen and you may hear the incessant din of car-horns and shouting:
The nice rural folks wearing red were apparently holding a public BBQ just around the corner, but neglected to invite us [pout].
(Click to open the Nation Newspaper's fun photo gallery of more Redshirt party pranks).
The truck in the next pic carries a photoshopped poster of Thaksin riding a water-buffalo. This is irrefutable evidence to prove that Mr Thaksin (the Urban middle-class Billionaire) is possessed of the Common Touch - and is therefore well-qualified to speak for rural people.
...................................... Yee-hah, ride 'em, khao-boy!
We had both bravely worn yellow that day ...but Marie's armed assistant saved us from a lynching...
As a reward for being so brave, and having been observing kite-boarders skim along the waves at the beach, we dcided to try it ourselves and enroled for lessons. O Foolish Ones! It was a lot more difficult than it looks, PLUS you need to be aged no more than 20-30 to succeed. Here's a short sample of some experts we watched making it look easy (the bastards). I'm NOT envious, OK? But we're sure you'll understand why it all looked so seductive to us:
Now, here's how WE measured up to the task. First, Marie suicide-bombs her [small size] training-kite directly onto one of the King's Navy gunboats moored off the coast...
Next, Captain Biggles-Burrows prepares to launch her real kite (7 metre span). Fifteen minutes later she had the nerve to complain of a cracked rib, exhaustion, mild drowning, post-traumatic stress disorder, mental torture...
Then it was my turn. In the pic below, the instructor patiently explains that the kite will take off better if it isn't held quite so vertical. Horizontal kites fly much better, Peter...
Then he reckoned I was ready to rock, the optomist. Fifteen minutes later, the kite was lying prone on the beach with a top-to-bottom split in its plastic, the grim result of the World's Worst-Ever Kite Crash. It was beginning to dawn on me just how much wind-power can be harnessed by one kite. If you allow it to get out of control and gather speed, it can lift you bodily out of the water and dump you ungracefully on your face several metres away - and I'm 95 kilos! Hint: try not to swallow too much sea-water... and don't recklessly resign your day-job just yet.
Even so, I've retained my world ranking... I'm still in the top 100% of people who've been kite-boarding.
For your gratification, you sickos, here's a video of our crash skills taken to extremes - and no, we're NOT the star riders...
Don't try this at home -
OK, kiteboard harnesses off, and fast-forward to our island trips, the first of which was to Koh Talu [pronounced gordtalu]. We took the Slow Boat - which was moored to this confidence-inspiring D.I.Y. jetty:
...and stayed in this cute Thai shack - not too shabby at all:
...and explored the mysteries of the deep with snorkels, then later around the island by twin kayak.
The more we explored, however, the more we realized that the island had major problems of rubbish disposal/burning and sewerage issues due to management trying to increase people numbers beyond the capacity of infrastructure. The profit motive spoils things yet again - we probably won't go back - pity, because it really is was a magical spot...
Note the concentration of people/boats in the spot cordonned off by the management as a snorkelling reef. More like a sacrificial reef, methinks. Snorkellers were standing on coral, souveniring bits of it, etc.
Back on shore, "I did but see her passing by"... no less than Elle McFurSeal herself:
Further south, the island of Koh Tao was definitely more of a 'young white back-packer' scene, but some of its reefs and fish were better quality than Koh Talu. We took a waterproof single-use camera:
But yet again, you can confidently predict environmental damage when people are packed into an area like sardines. One 'eek!' factor was this 'long-tail' boat manouvering its way between swimmers, who, due to their natural propensity to look downwards at coral, tend not to notice nearby spinning propellors...
Back to Hua Hin - and its Night Market was, as usual, in full swing. Perhaps it was the possibility of Redshirt invasion, but we'd never before seen one of the Police 'hat booths' actually manned by cops (other than fibreglass mannequin cops). They agreed to a photo, official t-shirt, flip-flops, Red Bull drinks and all...
...although Huahin, being the host town to the King's summer palace, is rabidly anti-redshirt, as witnessed by this townhouse wearing its heart on its facade. Yellow is the King's colour (he was born on a Monday, and Mondays are traditionally yellow in Thai culture... which explains theYellowshirts), and pink is the colour foretold by the official Palace Astrologer as being most conducive to his recovery from illness.
Stunt cyclist - street entertainments in the market:
A scoo-tour operator, perhaps? Didn't notice any safety belt.
No-one takes much notice of the road rules in Thailand, as we know, especially concerning crash-helmets. However, there are always alternative solutions - this scooter [below] was equipped with twin air-bags, one fitted in front of each adult. Smart thinking...
On the way back home to Chiangmai, as we suspected, Suvanaphumi Airport was spookily empty, not at all its usual chaotic ant-hill self. The Redshirts must be proud...
Funny moment in the airport. We spotted a pistol, lying unattended. Pointed it out to security guard, of course. His response? "No problem" ...[points to 3 year old boy]... "belong baby!" Hell, it was a realistic-looking item... inside the airport. I think I'd rather trust a terrorist than a child with a gun.
Well, maybe tourists are also staying away due to odd signage in an airport Ladies Toilet:
PUSH AND TURN UP PLEASE
...and a startling ending to a pre-flight announcement from a hostie with a thick Thai accent to her English:
"Thank you for your kind copulation".
We made it safely back to Chiangmai.
